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The Daily Muffler - A Newspaper

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Work in Progress [03 Apr 2005|01:42am]

[ mood | tired ]

Just started this one and I need to save it somewhere. {{Actually, I accidentally posted it to my own journal first...}}

PILGRIM – A startling discovery was made this past weekend when a custodial technician found evidence of life beyond the lockers. Chris Klapaucius, 47, was performing a routine cleaning when he noticed that a row of lockers in an undisclosed location within the school were hanging “sort of loose from the wall, like they weren’t connected right.” Upon peering behind the hanging row of lockers, Klapaucius was shocked to see that the row was, in fact,

(5 articles | have a story to tell?)

WHALES [30 Mar 2005|07:49pm]

[ mood | boing ]

Promotional whales poster. :D

Image hosted by yo momma

[EDIT] I didn't realize how small photobucket made the picture, so I re-uploaded the big picture to geocities. As Kelly pointed out however, that isn't a bad size for the newspaper. I hope it looks ok in black and white. ^^ You can check out the full size image here.

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[30 Mar 2005|07:48pm]

[ mood | amused ]

These are Kim's horoscopes! Quickly, people, suggest a pseudonym for her!

Aries March 21-April 19 : If you're looking for some support from your friends, you might want to look elsewhere...they're not too happy with you at the moment.

Taurus April 20-May 20: Love is in the air! But, eh, not for you...

Gemini May 21-June 21: It's been a tough week for you, but unfortunately, it's only going to get worse...

Cancer June 22-July 22: There's a saying that goes, 'If at firse you don't succeed, try, try again.' In your case, you might want to considered revising it...quit while you're ahead.

Leo July 23-August 22: You may be feeling lonely now, but cheer up. You're not the only looser around...

Virgo August 23-September 22: Will this day ever end? Sure, but tomorrow won't be any different.

Libra September 23-October 22: You're in the mood to skip class...but plan carefully. You might run into trouble...

Scorpio October 23 - November 21: That project you've been putting off till the last minute won't go away, so you might as well stop whining and just do it.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21: Tomorrow is Friday night! So you might want to make plans now, or you'll be stuck at home, feeling sorry for yourself.

Carpricorn December 22-January 19: It's such a beautiful day in the neighborhood! But you might want to avoid busy streets...actually, you're better off staying indoors today.

Aquarius January 20-February 18: You're usually a very vocal person and you wonder why you're friends hardly say anything at all...well, that's because they can't get a word in edge-wise.

Pisces February 19-March 20: You're loaded down with homework and you've got to work after school. Take a deep breathe and relax...you don't have anything important to do tomorrow.

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[30 Mar 2005|05:46pm]
[ mood | working ]

Hold on a sec, I think that’s my phone…
by Lilly Finch

…oh wait, it was yours, Mrs. Smith. Go ahead, answer it, we don’t mind. After all, you are the teacher, the very sun around which the planets of our education revolve. As such, you are above reproach. Why shouldn’t you get to answer your phone in class, or go outside for a quick smoke if you want? Surely you’ve earned it. So what if these things are forbidden to us, your lowly students? So what if, in theory, we look to you as the benchmarks by which one day we will conduct our lives, (a fact which few of us will ever admit). You are adults, you can do what you want. The child who says, “Why should I follow silly bureaucratic rules when the teachers are exempt?”, is foolish, living in dream world. We follow the rules because they are there, not because they make sense. Far be it from us to question the judgment of our betters when we see those who set the rules doing the very things they have forbidden. So go ahead Mrs. Smith, answer your phone…

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Are the handicapped being pushed around? [30 Mar 2005|04:20pm]

[ mood | content ]

This is Ed's article.

WARWICK – A massive crowd stands in protest of the most recent injustice. Tempers are explosive, giving the area an atmosphere similar to that of downtown Bagdad. This isn’t Tiananmen Square, these protesters are not standing in opposition to government policy, nor are they protesting a war. These students are protesting the unfair treatment of the handicapped. They have stood outside of Pilgrim High School for the last week, to make their statement in opposition to the administration’s position in regard to a school elevator.

Pilgrim High School is the only secondary school in the Warwick School District which doesn’t have an elevator. As a result the handicapped population is forced to remain on ground level and are unable to attend any classes offered on the second floor. While hundreds of students and parents argue that this is unfair, the administrators disagree. Within in the crowd of protesters, it was Herbert Gage who put it eloquently by saying "I’m tired of seeing the handicapped be pushed around. It is about time that someone defended their rights, and exposed the unfairness in the matter."

It has long been the position of school administration to deny the existence of this rumored second floor. "It just doesn’t exist," said one Vice Principal. "Not true," says Andrew Jenkins, a history teacher with a classroom on the second level. It seems this problem isn’t going to go away, and it is obvious that the school is in turmoil.

Far away from the roaring crowds and the chanting of the protesters, the silent hallways of the school are deserted. The intercoms give announcements to no audience, while the bells signal the end of classes which never began. Practically everyone is outside, protesting. It seems that no progress has been made in regard to this apparent problem.

by Dr. Abner T.S. Holdenstein
of the University of North Warchester

(3 articles | have a story to tell?)

A Torrent from Within [29 Mar 2005|12:13pm]

Lately, there have been a multitude of reports, claiming such wonders as a fleeting mist in the hallways, accompanied by a faint, foul odor, or a myriad of tepid, translucent puddles of slime basking meekly in the artificial light of the cooridors. These are not innocent spills, overly squeezed water bottles or iced coffee accidents- this is the shocking result of vomit gone wrong. There is a monster loose in our school. A destructive, merciless beast, weilding a vile and unruly weapon: the power of projectile vomiting.

"I saw it happen in the middle of period three," reported one studend, trembling, "I was walking down 95 when I heard this noise, I looked behind me and there it was! She must have spouted it out 8 feet!! It was everywhere." Unfortunately, the student was too stirred by the incident to report any conclusive details about the assailant's appearance.

Recent investigation into the composition of the vomit samples yeilded interesting information. Apparently, the puking perpetrator has an affinity for chocolate chip cookies, pancakes, and diet coke with lime. DNA testing has been inconclusive, due to lack of records, but the person has been positively identified as female. There was no evidence of illness in the individual, thus far her actions seem to be entirely malicious.

Custodial engineers were not availible for questioning, although the recent increase in hallway messes has undoubtedly cluttered their workload.

-Zephyr Hills

(2 articles | have a story to tell?)

Students protest dissection of poetry, call it unethical [29 Mar 2005|12:35pm]

[ mood | artistic ]

Period One – A group of students have recently become vocal regarding their disapproval of the English Department’s sanctioning of poetry dissection. The practice has been in use for more than fifty years, but this is the first time it has been called into question and there is no set precedent for how to address this growing problem. Students protesting the practice call it “unethical” and “a clear violation of common decency and morality”. Questions 11th grader Hanna Swanson, “What have the poems ever done to us?! We have no right to rip them apart so mercilessly to satisfy our own lust for blood and syllabification.” “All literary works deserve ethical treatment,” continues Timothy Blest, a senior. “This is a completely unjustified attack, and we should not be forced to participate.” English teachers call the students’ contentions “outrageous”. Says teacher Nicodemus Anchorton, “These allegations are naught more than namby-pamby, wishy-washy attempts by bleeding heart liberal word-hugging poetry rights activists to shirk their schoolwork and avoid doing anything that could possibly strain their poor, pitiful cerebra.”

Meanwhile, poetry dissection continues in the classroom as debate and dissension grows. The English department has scheduled a tentative meeting for the 3rd of April to discuss the issue, but an anonymous teacher told this reporter that “there’s no chance in Hades that we’ll ever bow to these inane idealists.” Anchorton agrees: “The reasons for continuing poetry dissection in the classroom far outweigh the pathetic arguments against us. Students can only improve their own writing by cultivating a firm understanding of the writing of others. The best and most efficient means for attaining this understanding is by delving into the poems of our most hallowed authors and soaking up the sweet nectar that is literature.”

- by Caesar Nox

[[Yay or nay regarding my pseudonym? Also, any constructive criticism is welcome.]]

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All the news that's [un]fit to believe. [28 Mar 2005|10:28pm]

[ mood | accomplished ]

I'm loving this community-moderating thing... it rocks like nobody's business.

So, uh, if you're cool and you know what The Daily Muffler is, go to the Userinfo page and click to join... I'll approve you ASAP. Then start POSTING YOUR FLIPPING ARTICLES, PHOTOSHOPPED PICTURES, OR FUNNY ANECDOTES! We've got a deadline to meet, people! Let's get this show on the road.

<3 Your friendly Editor-in-Chief and Creator,
Kizzelly [I need a pseudonym!]

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